Feelings & Memories
by Sanderlito
Summary: We all have feelings & memories that we never want to experience again, but when it happens we can never expect the outcome of our own reaction. Deeks and Kensi are sent on a normal stakeout, but things turn bad once Deeks sees something that brings back bad memories from way back. Can Kensi help him trough his fight with his demons, and how will things turn out for them.


_**Hi all,**_

_**So I've been reading fiction for quite some time now, but I always felt I would stick with just reading it, but then this little idea formed in my head and I just started to write…  
Hopefully it is good, but it is my first time trying to so we will just have to see how it goes.**_

_**Since English isn't my native language and I don't have a Beta for this I hope it is readable for you guys ;)**_

_**Here goes:**_

* * *

A cold shiver suddenly went down his back and in panic Marty's eyes burst open. Looking around his gaze looked upon the clock on the TV, 02.30 at night, he sighed and continued his gaze until it stopped at the beautiful brunette sleeping next to him or rather on top of him. He smiled and thought about last night. Even tough she was sound asleep and somehow even tough it was a couch, she had managed to make a perfect starfish with him as her pillow. They had fallen asleep on his couch after a long day with a case that went from easy to bad in seconds. For some reason Deeks had a bad feeling about this case from the start, and the feeling only got worse as time flew by, and his thoughts flew back to the previous day

* * *

It started as a simple case, they where told to stake out the house of a former naval intelligence officer named Nolan Hendricks. As a married man of 5 years to Sarah Hendricks he did not stand out and looked clean. But they had received a tip from the RED TEAM, who had discovered while hunting down leads for a case that Hendricks might have been involved in selling classified information.

And since Hendricks lived in L.A., Hetty had received orders from Director Lance to take over the case and make it a top priority.

While they where driving out towards their destination Kensi had been noticing since they got their orders Deeks had been quiet and just sat in the passenger seat staring out at the scenery.  
_Hmm, I wonder what's gotten into him?_

So while she continued driving she couldn't help but ask him:

"_Deeks, is everything all right?"_

_"Yeah, everything's fine. I am just thinking about the case," answered Deeks_

"Oh… okay,"

After a little more driving and Deeks continuing to be quiet she started to get a little worried. And if he weren't going to tell her, well then she would just pry it out of him.

_"So what's so special about this case to make you think this hard on it?  
_  
_"I just have a really bad feeling about it, like I know that this is going to be one of the bad one you know" said Deeks_

_" I know the feeling Deeks, I hate it as much as you do, but lets just hope it will be a quick stake out."  
_And to try and cheer him up she added;  
_"how about this partner, after we are finished here ill even let you come over some Top Model marathon and a few beers. How does that sound?  
_  
This got a big smile on his face and he turned towards Kensi and said;  
_" So you do care about me, hah I knew I would eventually make you see reason like every other woman out there you just cant deny all this"_  
he said while waving a finger around his face.

Kensi for her part tried hard to hide a little smile forming on her lips since she got him away from thinking about the case and was now going at it with his usual antics said

_"Someone has to be nice to the down and out shaggy people, but since you make fun of me while I am trying to be nice to you, I think ill just take a nice hot bath and relax with a good book instead"_

Deeks quickly said;  
_"Ah come on Fern, don't be like that. You know I'm just messing with you id love to join you with a Top Model marathon and ill even go as far as pay for dinner"_

He said with a smirk. He knew really well the way to Kensi's heart was via food.

Kensi was really happy that he wanted to come over later, she had thought a lot about him the last few months and while she tried denying it she know knew that she had fallen deep and hard in love with the shaggy surfer detective Marty Deeks that now sat next to her grinning at her since he knew she could never deny free food. Tonight she would tell him! So just this one she gave into his antics without as little much as a discussion, and said;

_"Great, I want Thai food from that takeout place you introduced me to last month"  
_  
_"Sure thing princess,"_ replied Deeks

Suddenly they where back to normal, and Deeks started to tap his leg  
_This is going to be a long drive_ Kensi thought

* * *

2 hours after arriving, and they still hadn't seen anything interesting in or around the Hendricks household. But 15 minutes ago she saw that the pair in the house where arguing. But Kensi suddenly got the cravings for sugar.  
While Kensi was hungrily looking for some sugary treats in the car did not notice the argument going on behind the living room the Hendricks living room window. So when Deeks suddenly poked her in the side to make her see what was going on, she jumped up and hit her head on the steering wheel.

_"DAMMIT DEEKS! What did you do that for?"_  
She angrily said while hitting him in the arm

Deeks who usually responded with something witty just ignored her and sat there and stared out of the car, completely with a face emotionless.

So when Kensi looked at him again she saw how he went completely still and emotionless she became extremely nervous. She saw his hands had clench into a fist so tight his knuckles became white.  
While she still hadn't looked at the house it must be something very bad for him to change his mood so quickly.

When she looked at the house she gasped and saw Ms. Hendricks stumble backwards and fall to the floor from a hard hit to the face.

Deeks was out of the car so quickly that she struggled to keep up with him, She tried to reach him before he kicked in the door but he was to quick, quickly before they reached the house she typed the agent distress code on the her phone to let the team back at OPS know something wrong and she needed backup.

Suddenly she found herself in the their suspects living room and before she knew it Deeks had thrown a punch at Nolan and took him by the throat and lifted him against the wall. Kensi had never seen Deeks this angry and he seemed to be in a world of his own, so before things got out of hand she called to him

_"DEEKS!"_

But he didn't seem to hear her.  
Suddenly the dots seems to connect in her head and she quickly took in her surroundings and what she saw made her heart clench for her partner who had noticed everything while she stupidly had looked for treats in the car.  
While she had seen the pair in a heated agreement before she went on her little treasure hunt in the car she hadn't managed to see how quickly thing escalated. From what she could gather Mr. Hendricks had hit his wife so hard she fell down, and while he only had about 30 seconds before Deeks had kicked in the door he had done much damage to his wife who was unconscious and lying on the floor with blood coming from her nose that she assumed was broken, and the there was the bruising already starting to show from his hits and kicks.

So before Deeks choked Mr. Hendricks to death she gently laid her hand on Deeks's upper arm and said in a calm voice

_"Marty, please stop. He is not worth it. Please stop!"_

Before she knew it she heard a _Thump _and she saw Nolan fall to the floor and Deeks stepping back. He looked at her with his usually bright and happy blue eyes, but now empty dark blue eyes. She was expecting rage or some sort of anger not fear and sadness. Before she could say anything she saw him shake his head in disbelief and leave the room

After coughing and gaining his breath Nolan screamed  
_"Bastard! I am suing you for police brutality!"_

Kensi quickly told him to shut up and zip-tied him so he could not escape and moved over to the wife. She was badly injured and probably needed a trip to the hospital. As she was hitting the speed dial for Eric, Callen and Sam stormed into he room

_"KENSI! You all right?"  
_Asked Callen sounding a little out of breath.

"Yeah, I'm fine"

She replied before Eric picked up the phone.

After hanging up the phone with a confirmation that an ambulance was on the way she quickly told the senior agents what had transpired and why she had activated the distress code.  
While Kensi was explaining everything Sam had kneeled down to check on the wife again to be sure, and when he saw some darker purple skin sticking out under the arm of her T-shirt on he gently lifted her shirt a little over her stomach to check for more bruising. What he saw made him clench his fist in anger and he quickly told the other too agents.

Realizing they were one team member short, Kensi asked

_"Guys, did you see Deeks on the way in?"  
_  
Callen looked to Sam then and they both shook their head at her. Quickly Kensi called for him but he didn't respond.  
Kensi stepped out of the living room and looked towards the kitchen and quickly scanned the area, but still no sign of Deeks.  
She was about to step up the stairs to the second floor when she looked outside toward her car. First she saw Sam's Charger parked in front of the entrance with both the car doors still open, but when she looked over the driver side door she saw him.

* * *

Deeks felt ashamed, he couldn't remember anything other than the blinding rage he felt when he saw Nolan Hendricks strike his wife the first time. He just knew he had to stop it no matter what.  
He hadn't realized what he had done until he heard Kensi calling him Marty, she never called him that and he immediately knew something bad was happening. So when he saw his own arm holding a barely breathing Nolan by the throat up against the wall he couldn't drop him fast enough, he quickly removed himself from the room and heard Nolan scream something after him but he couldn't care less at the moment. He just needed to get out of that house.

He sat down in front of Kensi's and leaned on the grill, he heard a car coming to a screeching stop in front of the house and assumed it was Sam and Callen.  
He was about to call out to them when he was hit by a wave of memories of another woman lying in the floor bleeding and fighting for her life. He still remembered the fear he felt when he saw his mother lying there on the floor of their old house and how he quickly heard Gordon drunkenly swearing at himself for not having preloaded his shotgun. He remembered the way each step felt under his small feet as he ran upstairs towards his bedroom, and grabbed the small but heavy revolver that Ray had given him a few months earlier. He remembered the way the stumbled back down the stairs just in time to see the man he refused to call father begin to aim the gun at his mother. He remembered the scream he made to get his attention, and how he started to shake of fear when he saw the shotgun aimed at him. The recoil of the revolver was nothing like he expected and it almost hit in his small face when he fired.

He gently felt a hand on his shoulder, and then he was back in the present. He turned and looked up to see his partner staring down at him with concern. He saw her looking at his face and suddenly became aware that he had been and still was crying.  
He quickly tried to wipe them away but she sat down with him and took his hands in hers and pulled them to her. She let on of them go and took her free hand and laid it on his cheek. Marty hadn't known he needed this small act of comfort from her partner, but when she laid her hand on his face he broke down and laid his head on her shoulder faced towards her neck and silently cried.

"_Lets go home Marty"_ Kens whispered to him

Deeks nodded and silently raised himself up. Kensi went with him to the Cadillac and silently whispered to him that she was just going to tell the guys that they were leaving and that they should call her if they were needed.  
He looked at her then with his sad eyes and she understood and gently told him that she hadn't event considered telling them about his little breakdown and would just say he felt sick. 5 minutes later they were on their way home.

* * *

The car ride home had been in complete silence, Kensi hadn't pushed him to talk or anything but she had gently taken his left hand and entwined their fingers.  
They quickly picked up some food on the way.  
After they had eaten Kensi took the dishes and empty containers to the kitchen and grabbed something to drink on her way back to the couch.

She had just sat back down and before she could even ask him anything he whispered;

_"I…. I…I am sorry"_  
He then he continued to look at his feet

Kensi grabbed one of his hands and gently used her other free hand to lift his chin up so that she was looking into his eyes. Then she responded

_"Don't apologize Marty, you have nothing to feel sorry for, if you hadn't done what you did when you did it Sarah might not be alive and Nolan would have gotten away with what he had been doing to her. So believe me when I say this, I am proud of you for what you did"  
_  
Marty shook his head and just stared at her. She made him feel like sharing and he had kept his secrets & demons hidden for long enough so he told her everything. He told her about his childhood and how he felt so lonely in his life because of it.  
He told her that his mother who loved with his whole heart couldn't bear it anymore and after 2 years of struggling with the aftermath how her life under Gordon had taken her own life. Left with a note that told him how much she loved him but how she couldn't live with the same he had been sent to foster care.

Kensi was silently shedding tears for him and holding his hand so the skin on her knuckles was white. But when she heard him tell her about the note she sobbed and a laid her head on his shoulder and let go of his hands so she could put her arms around him.

He was silent for a few long minutes and if Kensi hadn't been holding him and had her head to his chest and listened to his heartbeat she would have thought he had fallen asleep. But what he said next shocked her to the core and she quickly had to ask him

_"Marty, what did you just say?"  
_  
Deeks looked at her straight in the eyes now that she had leaned back and repeated,

_"I love you Kens! I have for quite some time actually, and I know I shouldn't say this because it messes with our partnership and I probably just ruined everything that we have but I just need you to know the I love you so much Kens! No one has ever been there for me like you have in the last years and even if I just have your friendship for the rest of my life it will still be enough cause at least that means you are in my life. "_

Kensi stared at him with fresh tears in her beautiful mismatched eyes and then she released her hold around him. She was thinking about the beautiful man in front of her who has just revealed his whole life, secrets and his demons to her and she couldn't think of a more perfect way for her to respond to his perfect little ramble

Deeks who mentally slapped himself for what he just did noticed she let go of her hold on him so he already had a mental picture in his head for what she was going to say to him. He began to move away from her so she could freely stand up and then leave like he expected when so when he heard her whisper to him he had to repeat back to her what she said to him moments earlier

_"Kens, what did you say?"_

"I love you to Marty! You are my best friend and have always been there for me as well. I have wanted to tell you for a while now. I really love you Marty!

They both looked each other in the eyes and if you asked either of them who moved inn first they wouldn't know. The only thing they could think of was how perfect their kiss was, they lips were made for each other and after a while when they pulled back and once again stared at each other they both smiled from ear to ear.

Kensi suddenly stood up and looked down at Deeks and said

_"scooch over "  
_  
Deeks quickly moved so he had his back to the couch and Kensi laid down and snuggled up to him.

_"I knew you liked to snuggle Fern"_ Deeks said with a smirk

Kensi just stared at him and shook her head while smiling and made herself comfortable in his arms.  
Deeks quickly placed a kiss to hear head and repeated himself and whispered,

"_Love you Kens"_

"_I love you to Marty "_

She said and then raised her head to his, then they kissed so passionately that both started to regret why they hadn't moved forward in their relationship before.  
After a little while they were both sound asleep.

* * *

Deeks gaze left Kensi as she laid over him and went back to the clock on the TV, 03.00.  
He gently tugged at Kensi, but she was feeling perfectly contempt where she was and made a quiet little piglet snore and snuggled closer to him. Deeks then kissed and whispered small nothings to her and she gently opened her eyes to look at him.

The first thing she did when she woke and saw his face was smile from ear to ear before she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. Then she heard him say something to hear before he untangled himself from her and stood. She gently felt him lift her up and he stopped moving when she looked at him.

With a kiss as a good enough sign to his unasked question he gently began to move again. When he got to the bedroom he gently sat her on the bed before he removed the bed linen over so she could lie down.  
She looked at him in a little confusion and then down at herself, Deeks knew the question before she asked it and said,

_" Ill find some thing you can wear to bed" _

Before she could reply he moved over to the closet. He didn't hear her undressing so when he turned around and she stood before him in just her underwear he hadn't seen a more beautiful sight his whole life.  
He gently moved over to her and laid the clothing he got for her on the bed.  
Then he kissed her and said

_"You just use the bathroom when you are done getting dressed there is a spare toothbrush in the cabinet over the sink that you can have, I am just going to check the all the windows and lock the door and shut the lights, be right back "  
_He smiled and then left the room  
When he came back he saw Kensi laying in bed, so he asked her if she was finished, she nodded at this so he went to get ready for bed himself.

Kensi saw him exit the bathroom and move around the bed to his side, he gently lay down next to her and turned towards her. That's when he saw the clothing he had given her was lying neatly on the floor next to the closet.  
Before he could ask her she said

_"I know you prefer to sleep in the nude Marty, I remember you telling yourself in the bathroom that you hated the fact that you needed to use a pajamas when we where undercover as Justin and Melissa. So you don't need to use it now for my sake"  
_  
Deeks didn't know what to say and that's when he saw her black lace underwear was neatly placed next to the clothing at the closet.

_"Kens, are you naked under the sheets right now? "_ He asked

Kensi easily nodded her head yes and said

_"I am not doing this to mess with you Marty, I love you and I know we will make this work between us and for once I am want you to be comfortable and I don't mind sleeping naked"  
_  
She kissed him then and when she pulled back she saw him remove his clothing so they where both naked under the sheets.  
She snuggled up to him and kissed his chest right over his heart and aid back feeling the most relaxed she had in years.

Deeks just looked at the stunning woman lying naked next to him and thought to himself he couldn't be happier than he was right now. Even though he knew tomorrow would be a hell on wheels when he had to stand up for his actions, but for tonight he was perfectly happy lying here with Kensi in his arms.  
But he couldn't help himself so he poked her stomach and that made Kensi jump and while she jumped he held the sheets tight with his hands so he got a perfect view of a naked Kensi trying very hard not to laugh at his antics. He expected a little blow in the arm for this stunt but instead a got a kiss and then she snagged the rest of the sheet out of his hands and laid back down and snuggled inn, quite happy with herself to have seen a fully naked Marty.

Even tough the evening hadn't gone according to plan; in the end they both felt it was perfect. And as long as they had each other they knew everything would be end up all right.

END.

* * *

_**AN: So what did you think?  
Any feedback is welcomed with open arms, since I can only get better from this point forward. Hope you liked it **__**  
**_


End file.
